The Opposite of Love

June 19, 1836

Paris

Sunday 19th

My beloved angel,

- I am nearly mad about you, as much as one can be mad: I cannot bring together two ideas that you do not interpose yourself between them.

I can no longer think of anything but you. In spite of myself, my imagination carries me to you. I grasp you, I kiss you, I caress you, a thousand of the most amorous caresses take possession of me.

As for my heart, there you will always be- very much so. I have a delicious sense of you there. But my God, what is to become of me, if you have deprived me of my reason? This is a monomania which, this morning, terrifies me.

I rise up every moment saying to myself, "Come, I am going there!" Then I sit down again, moved by the sens of my obligations. There is a frightful conflict. This is not life. I have never before been like that. You have devoured everything. 

I feel foolish and happy as soon as I think of you. I whirl round in a delicious dream in which in one instant I live a thousand years. What a horrible situation!

Overcome with love, feeling love in every pore, living only for love, and seeing oneself consumed by griefs, and caught in a thousand spider webs.

    Honore de Balzac. Love Letters of Great Men, John C. Kirkland

I received Mr. Passion's goodbye letter about a week ago. It was filled with the usual disparaging comments about how I should not care about what men think and how we don't belong together. If we don't belong together, then why is my heart filled with so much love for you? My girlfriends give me the usual advice, he's terrible, you should hate him, blah blah blah. You know what? I tried that, and I felt like hell. I realized that the feelings that I have are ones that I must keep to myself, no one else in this world will understand how much I love this man. It seems crazy and a bit strange for someone to love as hard as I do, but I believe love conquers all. I think he hoped his letter will fill my heart with hatred for him but it actually had the opposite effect.  I only felt sorrow. I felt sorrowful that someone who is in need of so much love couldn't recognize it when he saw it right in front of him. I felt sad that he thought my words of encouragement and admiration made him to be something more than human. I know his flaws, but I chose not to dwell on them. We all have flaws and life would be a miserable spectical if we all sat around and focused on what was wrong with everything. I focused on the good things because that is what made him unique. 

I also realized that the reason why I love him so much is because I know the love of God. God says in the Bible that a man (or woman in my case) should love their spouse/loved one in the same way Christ loved the church. He tells us to love our neighbors and our enemies. If I can love someone who is my enemy, then I can surely love another man with the strength of Christ's love.

Upon further reflection of the past week's events I realized that I cannot travel down the path of hatred and animosity to squash the love I have for Mr. Passion. The opposite of love is not hatred, but indifference. The man that I love does not hate me. To hate would be to feel something negative and abominable. He is indifferent. He is indifferent to why I could love him so much despite all of the stupid mistakes he has made in his life and his past relationships. His indifference stems from his own insecurities and from the fact that he has never been loved by a woman. Every single relationship he has had with a woman involved her own selfish need to get physical with someone when her other relationships don't work out. He's never had a woman who cared about what he was feeling,anticipated his needs, and wanted to share their lives with him.

Imagine how blown his mind was when he realized there was someone out there who loved him for all of his flaws.  

Well, I'm off to do some homework and housework. I'm not going to fill my heart with hatred. If you think I should, well then keep those feelings to yourself because that's not of God and I won't have any hatred in my heart any time soon. I will cope with losses in the way I have always done- loving the people who I have left with all of my heart. And praying for the man who left me. I send nothing but good thoughts his way and I hope that he finds what he is searching for in his life. 

Love Hurts,

P. Manolos