The Beach

"You can't wait around for bad things to happen to bad people." - A good friend of mine.

Spring break was a time of renewal for me. I spent Thursday on the beach running with the waves and catching sun rays. (I should be a rapper). I came to the beach for rest and relaxation. I wanted a moment to spend time with nature and reflect upon the events of the past few months. I also wanted a chance to let go of something I had been holding on to for so long.

I'm grieving. I have been for the past few months and I feel that each day brings a new feeling of hope. The beach was my Mecca. I stood upon the shore and searched for a rock that represented my relationship with Mr. Passion. I wanted a rock that symbolized all of the good as well as the bad. I found a beautiful reddish-brown rock with black freckles scattered on its side. This was it. I picked it up and held it firmly in my hand. Mr. Safety was with me and he asked me what I was doing with the rock. I told him I was going to throw it into the sea. We walked down the beach hand in hand and silently took in the beautiful coastline.

My spirit was at peace. My heart seemed to beat a bit stronger and my soul seemed to soar with each incoming wave. I felt as if things would finally be okay in the end. My heart aches, but at least it is still beating.  My soul has scabbed over and started to regenerate itself. There is life after death.

I walked out to the shore and began to descend into the water. It was a bit cold outside- 72 degrees in Malibu isn't exactly tropical weather. My feet began to sink in followed by my thighs, torso, and chest. I didn't stop walking until my entire body was swallowed by the sea. 

My mind drifted back to the time when I was eight years old and decided to dedicate my life to Christ. One Sunday afternoon, my mother dressed me in all white- a white dress, swim cap, and underpants. I stood in front of the baptismal pool at church in all white, waiting for the minister to usher me into the water. If I close my eyes hard enough I can still remember his over sized grip holding onto the small of my back and chanting the baptismal prayer. I close my eyes and feel the water rush over my face. I felt like I was drowning. He was drowning the old woman to bring the new one to life.

Salt water baptism. I shoved my head underneath the waves and allowed the drowning feeling to come over once again. I wanted the old woman to die a second time. The woman who couldn't sleep at night, could hardly eat during the day, and felt as if life was an unbearable series of ups and downs. There was nothing I wanted more than to see her wash away and declare her dead at sea.

Mission accomplished.

I rose out of the water and walked towards the beach and my faithful companion, Mr. Safety. He looked at me and smiled, but pointed out that I still had something in my hand. I didn't believe him until I glanced at my index finger and saw a smooth volcano red rock sticking out from underneath. Sigh. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, there will always be remnants of the past sticking around. 

I looked at the rock and began to give a silent eulogy. 

My red rock

I loved you
I was faithful to you
I had dreams of you and me spending our lives together in perfect harmony
I wished for days where we would walk along the beach
I wished for nights where you would turn to me and say, well how was your day, dear?
I kept hoping that if I loved you enough, you would eventually feel the same for me.

I love you

As I wound up for the pitch, I realized all of the feelings I had weren't going to go away. I chose one moment that I needed to lose to start my life anew. I chose his smile. The way he would smile at me when we were together. He was one of those people that not only smiled with his mouth, but smiled with his eyes as well.  


It's time to start over...

P. Manolos

Law School Diet: Five Easy Steps

  1. Get into law school...  this is a crucial component of the diet
  2. Fall in love with a guy who has no intentions of loving you back. You're guaranteed to lose hours of sleep
  3. Study 12 hours a day- coffee becomes a meal in itself at this point
  4. Realize that no matter how hard you work, someone else is working harder
  5. Make sure your family life falls apart at some point in the process.

I lost 20 lbs from August til today. Strangely enough, I don't work out as much as I used to and for some reason the pounds evaporated into thin air. (haha) I'm not sad about it, I  gained a ton of weight working 40hrs a week, but I know it isn't the healthiest way to lose weight. I'm beginning to work out on a regular basis for my state pageant in August. Hopefully both the 'diet' and the exercise will help me win the next title. Sorry for the lack of profound thought, I guess my brain has also taken a spring break. Do be sure to check in, I promise I'll have something fabulous in the future.

Workin' on my fitness,

P. Manolos

Ten Things: Spring Break

  1. Spring Cleaning- The house looks like a sty
  2. Working on my Brief for Legal Writing
  3. Reading Property and Conlaw- Beginning the process of outlining
  4. California trip- SF then LA with Mr. Safety
  5. Family time- Visiting Mom/Dad at home 
  6. Working out Miss USA style
  7. Alto Saxophone
  8. Bellydancing
  9. Nails
  10. Summer job research

Spring Break

It's official. I'm on Spring Break. Yesterday's Contracts final was exactly what I expected and more so. I think I got most of the issues, although I could have probably spotted a few more. Not to worry, I've got other classes I have to focus on.

My personal life is at a bit of a lull. The guy I was seeing as of late decided he didn't want to see me anymore and promptly cancelled our date two weeks ago. He's missing out on something fantastic and you know what, that's OK! I'm spending quality time with the revised circle of friends who only include people I have learned that I can trust wholeheartedly. I spent yesterday pretty drunk after a glass of Chardonnay, sangria, Irish car bomb, "natti ice", and a Corona with lime when I got home. I spent the rest of the evening watching my favorite shows. A perfect day, if I say so myself.

A friend of mine said spring time is a good time for coupling. People come out of their funk and start mating almost like animals. I couldn't help but laugh at the image of human beings running around humping each other on the front lawn. I also couldn't help but think I don't really give a shit anymore about romance. In fact, there's a girl I know who needs some quality one-on-one time. She's fantastic, she's a beauty queen, Stanford trained jazz saxophonist, speaks two languages, writes amazing poetry, loves to scrap book, and has a killer sense of style. I think she deserves more of my love and attention than any of these losers walking around looking for a cute poodle to hump.

I'm on Spring break all right. I'm breaking away from everyone and spending time with the one person who is always there by my side. 


Springing forward,

P. Manolos

Quote of the Day

I hate to see the one I love happy with somebody else... but I surely hate it more to see the one I love unhappy with me.  Author Unknown

Studying for the K exam. I wish I could feel all the things that are bubbling up inside, but alas I can't seem to find the time. I hope all is well for you. I keep you in my prayers and hope for the best. Apparently it's working...

Like the desert misses the rain,

P. Manolos

If Gorillas Went to Law School....

This guy (or gal... I apologize I don't remember) seems to capture what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm really grinding studying for the K exam right now and I can't wait to relax! I've got another week and two days until I am on vacation!


P. Manolos

Ten Things: Pink Stuff

  1. Sequined Manolo Blanhiks (they're vintage now, no longer in production so I try to wear them only on special occasions)
  2. Rain boots
  3. I-Pod
  4. Ballet Flats
  5. Cell Phone
  6. Tooth brush
  7. Coco Mademoiselle Perfume
  8. Head band with warm fuzzies
  9. Butterfly clips
  10. Interview Suit
I just won a preliminary pageant, I'm on my way to the state finals. I'm feeling pretty high still. I've got a K test in a couple of days so I'm hoping that the high will carry over!


P. Manolos

Ten Things: Happiness

Happiness is.....

  1. Watching my beautiful niece, Myka and her new sister Morgan
  2. Getting a manicure/pedicure after a hard day at school
  3. Getting my hair done :) 
  4. A phone call from the special guy in my life
  5. Smell of brand new shoes, especially a pair of heels that I haven't broken in yet
  6. Driving over the speed limit in my beautiful Jetta
  7. Baking something and it comes out perfectly
  8. Hanging out with my friends, having a drink and catching up on life
  9. Honesty
  10. Waking up each day knowing that it will be different from the last

I'm cleaning up the house and attempting to straighten my study area before I go to get my hair done this morning. I figured if I cleaned up my study area it would help me focus more on the momentous task at hand. Yesterday I was locked up in the house studying for the K exam. Six more days until I finish with K for good. I'm trying to go out on a good note, s o keep me in your prayers. 


P. Manolos

Stupid Female Tricks: Taking Your Man to the Mall

First off, I like to shop alone. I do go out shopping with my girlfriends but I never buy anything because I don't trust anyone else's opinion but my own. I realized this a couple of weeks ago during winter break when I went out to lunch with one of my girlfriends. We decided to go shopping afterwards and we ended up in Black and White looking at all of the sale items. Of course I headed straight for the fabulous dress selection in the back and I even picked up a pair of off-white velvet low waisted dress pants.

Well, she told me right then and there that she liked the pants because, "You either wear a dress or do nothing at all". At first I was tempted... they were pretty cute and had a nice raised embroidery pattern on the back pants pockets... but then I stopped and I thought to myself...

Am I in love? Would I wear these pants everywhere and with anything in my closet? Am I allowing the opinion of one person change the way I dress myself?

Women who bring their lovers shopping are simply pathetic. The poor guy doesn't want to be there in the first place. He's doing it to make you happy so when he gets you back home he can beat it like a cop. (Sorry for the language, but I had to paint you a picture). I definitely don't want a guy to know how much I spend on my clothes. Most of the men I'm attracted to are total frugal nut jobs and would have a fit if they knew I spent (cough cough) on a pair of shoes. 

In conclusion, shopping with the wrong person can lead to bad decisions. It can lead you to believe that you really should buy the damn pants when you know your hourglass figure craves A-line skirts and figure flattering wrap dresses. People often make dangerous decisions under time crunches or peer pressure. Just remember to go it alone for the important purchases and take a friend when you just want to browse.

I'm off to study for Contracts... One week until the big exam :)

Picture of the Day

Sting ray eating a slice of Romaine lettuce... Who knew they too have diet issues?

Thank God It's Thursday,

P. Manolos

Poem of the Day

A Winter's Tale

Twilight comes early to tuck in the day's events
I sit upon a chassis of empty dreams, broken into by a thief- reality
Larceny, burglary, day or night is not a factor- someone has been here and gone
Pain fogs the edges of the windowpane, in plain sight for all to see
I shiver away the psychosis of femininity, of unrequited love and fairy tales
Covering my chair full of fantasies with sharp, stabbing icicles of faithless promises
Freezing the leftover pieces of a rancid heart- under cardiac arrest for fruitless romantic ambition
To love again, nay I say- it is nothing but a cool wind passing through the winter storm
It is nothing but a sinking feeling in my broken chair....
Sinking into the bottom of my soul without swimming, feeling our old romance without sensing 
Surviving but not thriving, wanting more but living in hunger
I sense the end is near on a cold, winter day
Burring into the depths until I am deaf to your severed soul
Drifting away from this life and bringing our winter tale to a close.

Just One Moment Please....

I miss you. It's been about two months since we last exchanged words, but my feelings aren't going away any time soon. Things are going well for me, I'm working on studying for the K exam and I think I am going to hit it out of the park again. I'm also competing in the Miss Black Ohio USA pageant this weekend; it's only a preliminary pageant, so I think I should do well. I'm practicing my talent and working on my interview questions. Mom's pretty sick, but she's such a strong woman it's hard to believe anything bad could happen to her. 

Remember that trip to the zoo we talked so much about? Well, I went last weekend with a friend and I couldn't help but wish that you were there at my side. I know if we had gone together you would have held my hand and we would act like one of those obnoxiously happy couples who make everyone in the park want to gag. You would appreciate all of the amazing photos I took and all of the wonders of nature locked up in steel park in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't help but feel like I had something in common with the beautiful leopard I saw locked up in his Plexiglas cage. 

Spring is here and I also can't help but wish we were sitting under a tree in the park reading a book together. You're a slow reader, so I'll have to bring my own copy. I'm thinking about buying a book of all of Shakespeare's works and trying to get through it in one weekend. I know, that's ridiculous but it's a challenge I would like to take on soon. Kind of bittersweet now that I think about it. I wished so fervently for better weather in December only to find myself angry that everything could be so beautiful outside but I still feel so much turmoil on the inside. 

I also can't help but wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you that I hope for nothing but the best for you in life, I have no ill feelings towards you and my only desire is to see you happy..... even if it's with someone else. Just saying that stung a bit but it's the truth nevertheless... I'm one of those people who firmly believe that if you truly love someone, you let them go. You let them go knowing that you will always be there if they needed you, and if they don't, you always keep them in your prayers because you never know when they may need a bit of grace in their lives.

I wake up, get dressed, go to class, study, and then send good thoughts and prayers to my friends, family, and to you before I go to sleep at night. You were and still are a very special person in my life. The death of our relationship isn't going to change any of that. It aches a bit, but knowing that you are happy makes me feel a bit better about parting ways with you. It's only when I come across something funny that we would laugh about, or a favorite movie of ours, or just the fact that I wanted to dance for you someday, those are the moments where the feelings flood back and they seem to overwhelm me. 

They overwhelm me because I wonder if you have those moments too. Did I mean anything at all or was I just a passing fad like over sized plastic dangled earrings?  I think to myself, if we did have the chance to talk face to face what would happen? What would I actually want to hear if we did have a chance to speak... or worse, what answer will I hear if we did? I think the fear of the latter prevents me from attempting the former.

P. Manolos

Cheaters Never Prosper

At first, I would laugh about it when I asked him. Jokingly, I would shove Mr. Safety in the side and ask him if he was 'stepping out' on me. It was my sophomore year of college and Mr. Safety broke up with me to figure out what he had wanted in life. We were only back together for two months before I realized something had changed about him. 

It wasn't like the movies. There was no tell-tale lipstick on his collar, perfume on his t-shirts, or coming home late from going out 'with the boys'. It was rather a nagging feeling in my heart that the man that I loved was hiding a big heaping load of infidelity behind his back. 

Well, infidelity stinks and no matter how you try to get around it, it always comes out in the wash. So I joked about it. I did my usual incongruent coping method of making everything funny when it is truly tragic and a bit twisted. I would ask him if it was someone I knew and then I began getting fixated on a female friend of his who had a thing for flirting with him. This went on for two years until one day we sat in the car fighting about something I can't possibly remember when he finally screamed the truth at me. He cheated on me. He had given up his virginity to another woman on a whim when we had gotten back together two years ago. 

I screamed.

It's a funny feeling when the truth comes out and hits you right between the eyes. You always know its there, but it's a whole different ball game when you see it racing towards you from the pitching mound at 90 mph. My heart stopped and I couldn't help but let out a scream. I had held that scream in for two years and it was finally free. I was free to express all of the pain at the bottom of my stomach from carrying around a secret that was never really a secret in the first place. 

It was never really a secret because I knew Mr. Safety like the back of my hand. When we became an item I memorized his every movement, thought, and body part like a book. I felt whatever he was feeling each day. I thought his thoughts and I woke up each day wondering how I could make his life better. I dedicated the extra space in my heart to him. He was my man and I planned on being the best woman I could be for him. There's nothing I loved more at that point in my life than to please Mr. Safety. 

You are probably wondering at this point if I stayed with him or broke up with him right then and there. Well, I took a bit of a break from him. I admit, I was a bit ashamed that I couldn't pull a sista soldier moment and end our relationship right then and there, but we had been together at that point for almost four years. You just don't walk away from someone after four years of love and affection.

I thought I was tough. I thought I was one of those women who could snap her fingers and walk away from a cheater. After all, cheating is the most horrible thing a person can do in a relationship... right? Wouldn't the truth make it hard not to resist the temptation to walk away?

I didn't walk away. I didn't walk away because I loved Mr. Safety more than anyone I have ever dated. The four years we were together seemed much more important than his one night stand. During the age of "Independent Woman" and "who-needs-a-man-anyways" I did the unspeakable by embracing a man who had broken four years of fidelity and trust. Had I become one of those sappy women so many independent sisters disdain? Did my actions condone what he had done in the back of an old beat up SUV? Or worse, had I broken the age old proverb, "cheaters never prosper" by allowing one to have his cake and eat it too?

I don't have all the answers. We cheat at almost everything in life. Frozen TV Dinners, maids and even our spell checkers on Microsoft Word encourage us to take the easy way out. We as Americans are often typecast as lazy, but is that just because no one wants to admit that we are cheaters as well?  

In the end, I find that cheaters may prosper for a short time, but in the end, they often hurt those they love the most- themselves. 

Short cuts
P. Manolos

More Zoo Memories...

This guy was such a ham. I have so many shots of him posing. The zoo is a bittersweet place. Beautiful animals are everywhere, but they're locked up in cages away from home. I guess I can relate. 


P. Manolos

Obsession of the Day

I had a zoo date yesterday. Both the date and the weather were amazing. 75 degrees and all kinds of beautiful animals. I was pretty camera happy and took about a hundred photos of the zoo. I wish I could share them all with you but I don't have the bandwidth on here :).  Be sure to give yourself a hug today!

I wish animal print looked this good on a skirt,

P. Manolos

Why I Blog

A friend of mind told me he was interested in starting his own blog. "It's not going to be all about relationships and stuff..." Of course he said that in reference to my own blog, Pink Manolos. Relationships and stuff huh?

Well, it will be a hard lesson for him to learn but that's basically what life is all about. Relationships. It doesn't matter if they are romantic, friendly or adversarial, relationships are what make us human. They are the building blocks of our lives and without them many of us would be lost. 

I write a lot about my relationships because they help define who I am. I am a daughter, sister, best friend, ex girlfriend, ex lover, and student. I love to dance, write poetry, play the saxophone and most importantly, study the law. All of these activities require a relationship of some kind in order to exist. 

Many of my blog postings are about my romantic life because that is the relationship I am working on the most these days. Law school.. Check. Family.... double check? Finding someone to share my life with, now that's an empty box I'm looking to fill. It's not my primary goal in life but it is high up there on the list.

Well, I'm off to bed. I had a huge steak, mashed potatoes, salad and red wine dinner. I also cleaned my room (almost done, just got the bathroom to do) and went on a pretty nice trip to the zoo. Good night!

Nature's Anti-Wrinkle Serum = Sleep

P. Manolos

Today's Obsession

Christian Louboutin heels. Every time I walk into Nordstrom I shed a tear at the price tag. If you don't want to have your heart broken, don't dare go near his spring line. 


Is it just me or did today go by in slow motion? I'm exhausted and I'm debating on whether I should go to dance class or stay in tonight. I'm working on Conlaw right now and I should be done with tomorrow's reading in an hour. I'm so glad I have most of my outlines for my classes already started. I can't imagine trying to get all 600 pages of conlaw reading outlined a week before the test.

Say a little prayer for me!

P. Manolos

BTW_ I've been craving a wrap for weeks and I finally found the perfect one. (wrap dress I mean, lol!) 

Haiku of the Day

She does not love you
Eight years of pining does not make a tree
Leave her for my love

Picture of the Day

I'd rather have equal pay than a street near the shopping district.... that's probably just my opinion.

Haiku of the Day

Thank you for your time,
I spent it, saved it, and bet on it.
Too bad it's worthless

- Elizabeth Williamson, Collection of Haiku Vol.2 

P. Manolos is feeling Melancholy today! 

Good Grief Charlie Brown!

Law school is picking up speed. I have a contracts exam in two weeks, so I am scrambling to make sure I finish the syllabus ASAP. Friendships are coming and going, and life is doing its usual ebb and flow. I'm in a reflective mood these days, I often find myself pondering the meaning of life in between assigned readings. 

It was just one of those pondering moments that led me to think about grief. Our parents teach us so much before the age of 18. We are taught to say please and thank you, how to tie our shoes, not to pick our noses, and to make sure we brush the back of our teeth. What our parents have neglected to tell us is that sometimes when we say thank you, the person it is sent to doesn't truly receive the message. Even when we tie our shoes, there will be times when we will trip and fall. 

They never taught us how grief is an important part of our lives.

No one wants to tell their child about all of the bad things in life. Can you imagine how hard it is to tell a 7 year old that someday someone close to her might leave? That not all the boys she kisses will turn out to be princes. Or worse, that the day she may give her heart freely to another man will be the same day her heart will break. 

All of these scenarios end with a grieving process, where one steps back and realizes that what they thought was there was not really there in the first place. 

I have met a lot of people in law school who truly do not know how to grieve. In modern day culture, the in thing is to get in, get out, and get over it. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. Everyone is so afraid of feeling that no one knows what they feel in the first place. No one stops to feel the dirty, painful feelings lying at the pit of their stomach. Part of my volunteer work as a rape crisis counselor involved working with clients who are grieving the loss of self after a violent rape or sexual assault. 

Grief is dirty. It doesn't feel good and it sure as hell doesn't look good. What I have found is that not everyone will understand your grief. Grief is uncomfortable. Grieving over a long period of time is even more uncomfortable to the average person. If you are in the process of grieving for something or someone; whether it is a lost job opportunity, educational setback, death of a family member, or death of a relationship. Here are some tips you may want to keep close to your heart:

1. It is okay not to be okay- This is a hard concept to put into practice. Understand that the feelings of grief you are having are real and valid. Do not allow the opinion of others to affect the way you feel.

2. There's no time limit on grief- This can go underneath the first point, but I think it is important enough to be reiterated. When you first experience a traumatic event in your life, you may feel an onslaught of emotions. Each day may bring a different feeling and those feelings need to be expressed and validated. Remember, you will not always feel the pain you feel today. In fact, there will be some very good days interspersed with the bad ones. Time truly does heal a lot of wounds and if you allow yourself to "not be okay" for the day, you will gain a sense of wholeness within a year. 

3. Be wary about who you share your grief with-Not everyone understand what it is to grieve over something. As I said before, grief isn't something our parents really taught us how to deal with and many of your friends, family members, and school peers will not understand the feelings you may be having at the moment.  I have found that people presented with grief react in one of two ways: 

A. Discomfort- You may find someone close to you uncomfortable with how you are feeling.  They want to help, but they have no clue how to do so. Discomfort may increase if you have been grieving over a long period of time over something or someone. Keep in mind that if you are in a situation where you have someone who you confide with uncomfortable with how you are feeling you can either explain what you need from them (I just need you to listen to me/hold my hand/let me cry) or you can refrain from sharing with this person altogether.  

B. Hostility- I think this is the worse reaction. A false friend once said that I preferred misery over progress. Clearly this person was not a friend nor did she truly understand what it meant to grieve over the loss of a relationship. A loss of a relationship is a death of sorts; it is the ending of the shared emotional being of two people. People who tend to be hostile towards feelings of grief are often uncomfortable with their own emotional being or they have          emotional intelligence whatsoever.  If you are presented with someone who is hostile or apathetic towards your feelings be sure to steer clear of them. They often have some of their own issues that they haven't dealt with and do not have the strength to deal with their own, let alone another person's problems. Remember, your feelings are real, important, and valid.

4. You are loved- Remind yourself on a daily basis that you are loved on so many levels: as a sibling/parent/spouse/friend/child/colleague, etc. You are loved and the feelings of sadness you may feel show that you too have loved something and lost it in the past few months. Understand that someone out there feels the same love for you.

5. This too shall pass- Someone once told me that Eli Wiesel, author and former concentration camp survivor met a man who had "this too shall pass" inscribed on a ring. During their time at the concentration camp, the man would wear the ring to remind him that adversity must pass away eventually. On the bad days, he wore the ring. On the good ones, he put it away.  This is a temporary bump in the road of life. There's smooth sailing ahead. 

Well, I must be off to work on law school homework. I hope you enjoyed my hug for today. I will always keep you in my prayers.

Good Grief,

P. Manolos

* Disclaimer- If you are having trouble coping with your grief, please contact a therapist or any other licensed medical practitioner. 

Picture of the Day

Two of my favorite things. Shoes and the Chicago sky line...

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