I miss you. It's been about two months since we last exchanged words, but my feelings aren't going away any time soon. Things are going well for me, I'm working on studying for the K exam and I think I am going to hit it out of the park again. I'm also competing in the Miss Black Ohio USA pageant this weekend; it's only a preliminary pageant, so I think I should do well. I'm practicing my talent and working on my interview questions. Mom's pretty sick, but she's such a strong woman it's hard to believe anything bad could happen to her.
Remember that trip to the zoo we talked so much about? Well, I went last weekend with a friend and I couldn't help but wish that you were there at my side. I know if we had gone together you would have held my hand and we would act like one of those obnoxiously happy couples who make everyone in the park want to gag. You would appreciate all of the amazing photos I took and all of the wonders of nature locked up in steel park in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't help but feel like I had something in common with the beautiful leopard I saw locked up in his Plexiglas cage.
Spring is here and I also can't help but wish we were sitting under a tree in the park reading a book together. You're a slow reader, so I'll have to bring my own copy. I'm thinking about buying a book of all of Shakespeare's works and trying to get through it in one weekend. I know, that's ridiculous but it's a challenge I would like to take on soon. Kind of bittersweet now that I think about it. I wished so fervently for better weather in December only to find myself angry that everything could be so beautiful outside but I still feel so much turmoil on the inside.
I also can't help but wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you that I hope for nothing but the best for you in life, I have no ill feelings towards you and my only desire is to see you happy..... even if it's with someone else. Just saying that stung a bit but it's the truth nevertheless... I'm one of those people who firmly believe that if you truly love someone, you let them go. You let them go knowing that you will always be there if they needed you, and if they don't, you always keep them in your prayers because you never know when they may need a bit of grace in their lives.
I wake up, get dressed, go to class, study, and then send good thoughts and prayers to my friends, family, and to you before I go to sleep at night. You were and still are a very special person in my life. The death of our relationship isn't going to change any of that. It aches a bit, but knowing that you are happy makes me feel a bit better about parting ways with you. It's only when I come across something funny that we would laugh about, or a favorite movie of ours, or just the fact that I wanted to dance for you someday, those are the moments where the feelings flood back and they seem to overwhelm me.
They overwhelm me because I wonder if you have those moments too. Did I mean anything at all or was I just a passing fad like over sized plastic dangled earrings? I think to myself, if we did have the chance to talk face to face what would happen? What would I actually want to hear if we did have a chance to speak... or worse, what answer will I hear if we did? I think the fear of the latter prevents me from attempting the former.
P. Manolos
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