Law school is picking up speed. I have a contracts exam in two weeks, so I am scrambling to make sure I finish the syllabus ASAP. Friendships are coming and going, and life is doing its usual ebb and flow. I'm in a reflective mood these days, I often find myself pondering the meaning of life in between assigned readings.
It was just one of those pondering moments that led me to think about grief. Our parents teach us so much before the age of 18. We are taught to say please and thank you, how to tie our shoes, not to pick our noses, and to make sure we brush the back of our teeth. What our parents have neglected to tell us is that sometimes when we say thank you, the person it is sent to doesn't truly receive the message. Even when we tie our shoes, there will be times when we will trip and fall.
They never taught us how grief is an important part of our lives.
No one wants to tell their child about all of the bad things in life. Can you imagine how hard it is to tell a 7 year old that someday someone close to her might leave? That not all the boys she kisses will turn out to be princes. Or worse, that the day she may give her heart freely to another man will be the same day her heart will break.
All of these scenarios end with a grieving process, where one steps back and realizes that what they thought was there was not really there in the first place.
I have met a lot of people in law school who truly do not know how to grieve. In modern day culture, the in thing is to get in, get out, and get over it. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. Everyone is so afraid of feeling that no one knows what they feel in the first place. No one stops to feel the dirty, painful feelings lying at the pit of their stomach. Part of my volunteer work as a rape crisis counselor involved working with clients who are grieving the loss of self after a violent rape or sexual assault.
Grief is dirty. It doesn't feel good and it sure as hell doesn't look good. What I have found is that not everyone will understand your grief. Grief is uncomfortable. Grieving over a long period of time is even more uncomfortable to the average person. If you are in the process of grieving for something or someone; whether it is a lost job opportunity, educational setback, death of a family member, or death of a relationship. Here are some tips you may want to keep close to your heart:
1. It is okay not to be okay- This is a hard concept to put into practice. Understand that the feelings of grief you are having are real and valid. Do not allow the opinion of others to affect the way you feel.
2. There's no time limit on grief- This can go underneath the first point, but I think it is important enough to be reiterated. When you first experience a traumatic event in your life, you may feel an onslaught of emotions. Each day may bring a different feeling and those feelings need to be expressed and validated. Remember, you will not always feel the pain you feel today. In fact, there will be some very good days interspersed with the bad ones. Time truly does heal a lot of wounds and if you allow yourself to "not be okay" for the day, you will gain a sense of wholeness within a year.
3. Be wary about who you share your grief with-Not everyone understand what it is to grieve over something. As I said before, grief isn't something our parents really taught us how to deal with and many of your friends, family members, and school peers will not understand the feelings you may be having at the moment. I have found that people presented with grief react in one of two ways:
A. Discomfort- You may find someone close to you uncomfortable with how you are feeling. They want to help, but they have no clue how to do so. Discomfort may increase if you have been grieving over a long period of time over something or someone. Keep in mind that if you are in a situation where you have someone who you confide with uncomfortable with how you are feeling you can either explain what you need from them (I just need you to listen to me/hold my hand/let me cry) or you can refrain from sharing with this person altogether.
B. Hostility- I think this is the worse reaction. A false friend once said that I preferred misery over progress. Clearly this person was not a friend nor did she truly understand what it meant to grieve over the loss of a relationship. A loss of a relationship is a death of sorts; it is the ending of the shared emotional being of two people. People who tend to be hostile towards feelings of grief are often uncomfortable with their own emotional being or they have emotional intelligence whatsoever. If you are presented with someone who is hostile or apathetic towards your feelings be sure to steer clear of them. They often have some of their own issues that they haven't dealt with and do not have the strength to deal with their own, let alone another person's problems. Remember, your feelings are real, important, and valid.
4. You are loved- Remind yourself on a daily basis that you are loved on so many levels: as a sibling/parent/spouse/friend/child/colleague, etc. You are loved and the feelings of sadness you may feel show that you too have loved something and lost it in the past few months. Understand that someone out there feels the same love for you.
5. This too shall pass- Someone once told me that Eli Wiesel, author and former concentration camp survivor met a man who had "this too shall pass" inscribed on a ring. During their time at the concentration camp, the man would wear the ring to remind him that adversity must pass away eventually. On the bad days, he wore the ring. On the good ones, he put it away. This is a temporary bump in the road of life. There's smooth sailing ahead.
Well, I must be off to work on law school homework. I hope you enjoyed my hug for today. I will always keep you in my prayers.
Good Grief,
P. Manolos
* Disclaimer- If you are having trouble coping with your grief, please contact a therapist or any other licensed medical practitioner.
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