So, like an obedient Christian, I listened to what the spirit told me and decided to go to church at 7PM. Service started as it always did, with praise and worship. As we finished one song we began to sing another one that shook the core of my being. I don't remember how the song goes. It was about God's love for us and how he sent Jesus Christ to save us when he died on the cross. When I heard this verse, I couldn't keep back my tears:
He [Jesus] Will Never Reject You
It was then that I felt hot tears running down my face. I couldn't contain myself and I frankly didn't give a damn if the whole world saw me. The pain I had felt for the past year seemed to rush out of me last night. For most of my adult life, I have felt rejected some how. Rejection from schools I hoped to attend, from teachers I confided in, and most recently from the men I have fallen in love with. To know that God loves me and all of me no matter what was an absolute relief. Finally a man I could depend on. Someone who wanted to hold me in his arms. He didn't care that I had a habit of self-doubt or that I wasn't very good at the whole law school thing. He loves me for who I am and wants me to rest in his everlasting peace. I have fucked up in so many places of my life but he still continues to call me his beloved. He sees me without the makeup and the jewelry and still calls me beautiful.
It's almost painful to think of how awesome a love God has for me and how I may never find anything close to that during my years on this earth. There's no guessing games with him, for I know that he loves me and that he cares for me more than I could ever imagine. Abba in Hebrew means father. He wants us to cling to him like our earthly father and love him with the passion of our life partners. He yearns to hear me call his name, Abba! Abba, I belong to you. God, I wish nothing but to know your love.
There is still this aching feeling deep in my heart for something my physical hands can touch. I still yearn to hear those words but I know that each day I wake up God whispers them through the wind in my hair and the sun beating down upon my face.
I may never find that earthly love. I may never again experience the love God created between a man and a woman that gives us just a small glimpse of his passion for us. Love is a small manifestation of what he wants for us when we go to heaven.
This past year may have been it for me. God is a jealous God and perhaps he wants me all to himself. I can say with wholehearted sincerity that as long as God loves me then I need no other love. He is the one love that will never reject me.
Passionately,
P. Manolos
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