Ten Things

Favorite Ice Cream Flavors

1. Dublin Mudslide by Ben & Jerrys- They no longer sell this in the stores, but I'm addicted to it.
   
2. Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream in Java Chip
   
3. Cookies and Cream
   
4. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
5. Mint chocolate chip
6. Black Raspberry Chip
7.  Strawberry
8. Oatmeal Raisin Cookie by Ben & Jerrys
9.  Rocky Road
10. Peach- UDF makes the best Peach Ice Cream, it's only available late spring/early summer

Had ice cream with the crew today. We had a fabulous time eating lunch near the University and then we went out for gelato afterwards. We plan on going again next week :)

Moment of the Day

Dad stopped by and mowed the lawn :). It felt good to have Dad around.

Daddy's Girl,

P. Manolos

Acceptance

I woke up yesterday intending to go to church in the morning. I did my usual routine, I got up, brewed coffee, picked out my clothes and took a shower. Right before I planned to leave, something stopped me. For some reason, I was supposed to go to church in the evening. Go at 7. 

So, like an obedient Christian, I listened to what the spirit told me and decided to go to church at 7PM. Service started as it always did, with praise and worship. As we finished one song we began to sing another one that shook the core of my being. I don't remember how the song goes. It was about God's love for us and how he sent Jesus Christ to save us when he died on the cross. When I heard this verse, I couldn't keep back my tears:

He [Jesus] Will Never Reject You

It was then that I felt hot tears running down my face. I couldn't contain myself and I frankly didn't give a damn if the whole world saw me. The pain I had felt for the past year seemed to rush out of me last night. For most of my adult life, I have felt rejected some how. Rejection from schools I hoped to attend, from teachers I confided in, and most recently from the men I have fallen in love with. To know that God loves me and all of me no matter what was an absolute relief. Finally a man I could depend on. Someone who wanted to hold me in his arms. He didn't care that I had a habit of self-doubt or that I wasn't very good at the whole law school thing. He loves me for who I am and wants me to rest in his everlasting peace. I have fucked up in so many places of my life but he still continues to call me his beloved. He sees me without the makeup and the jewelry and still calls me beautiful. 

It's almost painful to think of how awesome a love God has for me and how I may never find anything close to that during my years on this earth. There's no guessing games with him,  for I know that he loves me and that he cares for me more than I could ever imagine.  Abba in Hebrew means father. He wants us to cling to him like our earthly father and love him with the passion of our life partners. He yearns to hear me call his name, Abba! Abba, I belong to you. God, I wish nothing but to know your love.

There is still this aching feeling deep in my heart for something my physical hands can touch. I still yearn to hear those words but I know that each day I wake up God whispers them through the wind in my hair and the sun beating down upon my face. 

I may never find that earthly love. I may never again experience the love God created between a man and a woman that gives us just a small glimpse of his passion for us. Love is a small manifestation of what he wants for us when we go to heaven. 

This past year may  have been it for me. God is a jealous God and perhaps he wants me all to himself. I can say with wholehearted sincerity that as long as God loves me then I need no other love. He is the one love that will never reject me. 

Passionately,

P. Manolos

Random Acts of Kindness

It's a beautiful Sunday and I'm in stuck in the house studying for exams. The Spring season is short around here. We tend to stay in Winter for five months and then enjoy three weeks of Spring weather before it turns into Summer. Two weeks ago my car temperature gage didn't move from the lower forties. Now it is 82 degrees outside and unbearably sticky hot. I guess I'm just spoiled from living out on the west coast where the temperature stayed at a comfortable 75 degrees.

I haven't written anything of substance for a while because I'm really focusing on making a strong finish at the end of this semester. Law school is all about sacrifice. Those who sacrifice the most gain the best grades and people who sacrifice the least can at least say they attended law school.

I'm somewhere in between the two factions. Becoming a lawyer is a dream of mine but keeping my life and friendships in tact is also a priority. I realized early on this year that I tend to sacrifice a lot for my friends and family. I love helping my friends and family because I like to know that I made someone else's life better. A false friend once told me I helped people to get things in return. Ha, I guess she was right. I love to help others so that I can get in return the gratification that I made a difference in someone's life. I hate seeing people struggle when I know I could do something to help out. I love doing random acts of love and care for other people because I hope some day I too will experience a random act of kindness. 

If that's wrong, then I never want to be right. I'll never apologize for who  I am. 

A friend of mine had distanced themselves from me lately. At first I chalked it up to school work, but then it dawned on me that there was something more to it. I hadn't heard from them because of a small fight we had about a stupid insignificant incident that had happened in the past. It was so trivial, a good friend of mine told me  it made high school drama seem important. Well, needless to say, my friend came around when s/he needed me. It felt good to enjoy their company again and I felt like maybe we could put that whole silly middle school snippet behind us....

I guess not. I need to talk to them, but after getting their needs met, I find them conspicuously absent from my life. 

I had an epiphany last night. I realized the reason why I felt so connected to Mr. Safety is because he was the only person who made the same sacrifices for me as I do for others. He's always there when I need him and he shares my philosophy of giving for the sake of giving- no strings attached. The only hope we both have is that we can create stronger bonds of friendship with the receiver. I guess I'm afraid that if I lose him, I'll never experience the same random acts of kindness I provide on a daily basis to others. He's the electricity to my gas-electric hybrid Toyota I guess. Without him, I don't know if I will have enough juice to keep being the cheery loving person that I am today. 

I guess I have to find a new source of renewable energy

Out of Gas

P. Manolos

Today's Obsession

I have tulips growing along the sidewalk in front of my doorstep. I haven't had a chance to weed out the garden yet, but I'm looking forward to a day where I can clean up the garden and take pictures of all of the Spring vegetation. Three weeks left of law school and then I can catch up on housework. My birthday is coming up soon, so I have to figure out what I want to do to celebrate. I'm leaning towards a small gathering of my close friends, BBQ, and cake. I don't want to put up a big fuss and I only have a couple of people I want to invite. No gifts please. P. Manolos prefers to buy her own swag. Well.. unless it is pink, then I will make an exception :-). 

Everything is coming up Tulips

P. Manolos

Zen

If you had met me a year ago, you wouldn't have recognized me. I was about 20lbs heavier, curly brown hair, and exhausted from working 40hrs a week, not to mention commuting back and forth from work.  Despite all of the economic adversity, I was the calmest person you could meet. I had an unshakeable sense of who I am and what life is all about. 

This school year was tumultuous. I spent half of it falling in love and the other half falling apart. There were times where I felt I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. There were days where frankly I didn't get out of bed in the morning. I got  so frustrated fighting life and the feelings I had that I worked myself into a state of constant uncertainty. It was only when I stopped fighting what I was feeling that I began to find the girl  I left behind in CA. 

Zen

I spend a lot of time on me these days. I'm getting back into running and lifting weights. I spend time with my real friends and have let go some of the shaky ones. I guess I'm living the phrase "time heals all".

Ohm

P. Manolos

Picture of the Day

Butterfly sits among the Chihuluy glass exhibit. I love butterflies. They spend part of their lives in a cocoon, transforming themselves from a small, wormlike insect into one of the most beautiful creatures on Earth. I identify with the butterfly because I too, feel as if I am transforming from one existence to another. 

Playing Dress Up

As a girl, I loved to play house with all of the other kids at school. I was usually cast as either the father or the kid. Both men and children tend to be helpless and irresponsible, so I guess it makes sense.  We would set up shop in the play yard at the picnic tables and each day went through the following scenarios:

1. Bad kid gets sent to their room
2. Good kid gets to hang out with the parents
3. Mom and Dad are having a row
4. Mom and Dad are disgustingly happy
5. We're driving in an invisible car somewhere....

Of  course we knew that none of it was real. We knew that I wasn't really a man and that my playmates weren't really the fruit of my loins. Nevertheless, we would spend hours acting like a true, 100% authentic family. Kids are good at pretending something is there when it really isn't.

Adulthood is the realization that you can no longer pretend to have what truly isn't there in the first place. 

Playtime is over.

Mr. Safety is here. I find myself confronted with the knowledge that I am still playing pretend. My kisses, my hugs, and even my feelings are all a part of a play date gone wrong. I feel frustrated because he's a good man who loves me and I feel resentful that I find myself incapable of returning his love. Five years of:

giving

loving

taking

crying,

cheating

hating,

living

fighting

running,

leaving,

returning,

receding

dying

living

kissing

hugging

feeling

finding

losing

being

And I'm spent... EMPTY!

I don't know what I fear the most at this point. Am I afraid that he might find out that I no longer feel the same way or am I afraid that someday I will wake up to a reality where I truly do love Mr Safety. Too many questions, not enough answers. For now, I plan to enjoy his company while I can. He's a good man and he loves me. There are so many people in this world who have found love. I guess I'm just the great pretender

Playtime

P. Manolos

Today's Obsession

I have a pair in pink. It's raining today and I love seeing all of the different rain boots. I'm feeling pretty exhausted, I've had a sore throat for the past couple days so that's a surefire sign that I am coming down with something. Ah well, such is life. 

Splash!

P. Manolos

Chocolate Cake

Made it last night. I had a major craving for chocolate cake and I hadn't baked anything in a long time. Law school has been its usual roller coaster ride. I had a great time this weekend with some of my school buddies. We went out for drinks at a local night spot and I got pretty snockered (yiddish for drunk). I saw a hot bartender and I told him he was a hottie. He kissed me  on the cheek and bought me and my girls shots. Great time was had by all ;)

Should I slip on something fabulous?

P. Manolos

Quiet Solitude

What a week.

Just turned in my brief draft this morning. It definitely wasn't my best work. I'm just plain tired these days. Only four weeks left until my first semester of law school is over. Right now I plan on watching my favorite movie at the moment (Sex and the City) and relaxing on the couch. It's hard to do nothing these days, I'm always tempted to get out a book and read or bake something to keep myself busy. I am retraining myself to just relax and let things go.

Speaking of letting things go, I must say adieu to Mr. Impossible. He's a new guy to the ever changing cast of romantic interests in my life. Let's just say he's vague, dreamy, and absolutely impossible to tie down.  I know I've dated him before but you know what they say, we all want what we can't have.

Hot Chocolate and Marshmallows, 

P. Manolos

What's on my I-Pod?

1. Money- The Game, LAX
2. Young and In Love- Jordan Sparks, self-titled
3. See You In My Nightmares- Kanye West, 808s and Heartbreak
4. Welcome to Heartbreak- Kanye West, 808s and Heartbreak
5. Jaded- Aerosmith
6. Blame It- Jamie Foxx, single
7. Can You Hear Me?- Enrique Iglesias
8. Most Girls- Pink, Can't Take Me Home
9. Excuse Me Miss- Jay-Z, The Blueprint
10. Rehab- Rihanna, Good Girl Gone Bad

FYI- I got a comment about my car comparison a few days back and I have two things to say. 1) It's called a metaphor for a reason 2) I don't think you should embarrass yourself on someone else's blog even if it is anonymous.  I'm working on a brief for legal writing due, so blame law school for my lack of fabulousness. I still adore all of you, I'm just too busy at the moment. 

Flowerbomb perfume is my new bicycle,

P. Manolos

Today's Obsession

I never understood the purpose of ankle boots until I tried wearing them with a dress that hit just above the knees. They are a fabulous alternative to heels and a skirt and give an unexpected edge to a sweet dress ensemble. Be careful about the length of your dress/skirt. Too long and you'll look dowdy, too short and you'll look like you should be working a corner. Wear ankle socks that can hide inside of the boots to prevent the added embarrassment from looking like an extra from the Wonder Years. 

These Boots are Made for Walkin...

P. Manolos

Thoughts on a Warm Sunday Afternoon

Hello lover,

I haven't written anything of substance lately. Law school has consumed much of the time I use to think about the good stuff in life- Spring fashion, my favorite television shows, the merits of wearing white after labor day, etc.  My parents have come and gone and I'm surprised to say that I was very happy to see them. They finally learned how to give me space and love at the same time. It was a shock for them at first to realize that I no longer wore Barbie doll training underpants, but they have finally realized their little girl isn't so little anymore. She's grown up and she is a woman who has her own life and her own needs to take care of. 

Time heals all is the quote of the day. 

I find myself getting closer to my peaceful self with each day that goes by. I'm especially looking forward to the summer, where I'll have a job to look forward to. Mr. Safety and I are seeing each other again and I'm growing to appreciate the stability he provides in my life. I know so many people feel that I am settling, but at my age, I find there are more important things in life than passion and excitement. Stability. I want a man I can depend on when times get tough and someone who will never walk away when we have a fight. 

Fighting is an important part of any relationship. He and I can fight and I know that no matter what happens, he will be there for me afterwards. He doesn't get scared when we disagree and go toe-to-toe with each other. A real man knows when to walk away from a fight. My past relationship with Mr. Passion was so flawed because he would always run away from a fight instead of realizing that what we were doing was healthy. We were trying to figure out what we wanted from each other and that would inevitably lead to head butting. What I failed to realize at the time is his lack of maturity couldn't possible handle struggle. 

If we had stayed together, would he have been strong enough for the adversity we would face outside of our relationship? He's white and I'm black. He didn't understand that our skin differences would lead him to struggle with whether I was worth it to him or not. Our society still sends subliminal messages that a white woman is much more worth it (or compatible to use his words) than a black woman. Black women aren't worth a damn to put it in plain English.  Imagine feeling this and facing the disapproval of others who feel interracial dating is unacceptable. He would have never been strong enough to face the world with a black woman on his arm. The stares, the talk, even his own friends probably felt like we weren't worth it. No one would every say the word 'black'.... just maybe 'not compatible' or just 'not the one'. After all, there are so many special people in this world. All you have to do is wave a wand and that girl can be replaced with another model.  Like a car. Why ride in a Black Ford when you can buy a White Lexus?

Nothing more to say.... 

P. Manolos

Today's Obsession

I bought a pair of black harem pants last fall. I'm absolutely obsessed with them (currently wearing my pair right now). Harem pants are flattering on most body types, even hourglass figures (I'm an hour glass figure). Be sure to balance the volume of the outfit by wearing a close fitting top or a loose top with a close fitting sweater could work. Too much volume will make you look like a balloon. Be sure to buy a pair that fit closely to the waistline. 

Ten Things: Summer Plans

1. Working at a firm as a law clerk
2. Getting ready for the state pageant in August
3. Cleaning and updating the house
4. Spending more time with the family
5. Securing that one shoulder cinch waist ruffled dress from FCUK
6. Taking a quick vacation to some place tropical
7. Getting closer to God
8. Planning my 2L year summer
9. Hanging out with my friends
10. Finding inner peace

It's an ambitious list. Right now I'm trying to wake up and go for a run. Sleep doesn't come easy for many of us at school these days. 20 something days left until we have finished our first semester of law school. I knew my first year would be hard, but I never knew it would become one of the events that have changed my life for the long run. 

Stay Fabulous!

P. Manolos

Picture of the Day

I miss the beach. I'm back on the grind, I've got only 25 days of school left so I'm putting the petal to the metal. I am looking forward to spending the summer working and spending time with my family. I'm also training again for a pageant in August, so no sweets or carbs for me for the next couple of months. I'm going through some aches and pains but I know that I will come out on top in the end.