Too much of a good person...

I went to WV with my Brown Eyes to visit his friends still in Morgantown. I had a great time and I met a lot of great people. I couldn't help but reflect on the many great people I had left at home. I never imagined that when I would move back from CA to OH that I would find myself making life long friendships. I never really had close friends growing up; I did towards the end of high school but that's pretty much it. Far as I know, my only best friend was this Irish girl named Deirdre who was in my fifth grade class.

"You can have too much of a good thing"- I think that's the old saying. Well, you can also be too much of a good person. I have found through trial and error my proclivity to smother others with love and kindness had made many of the friendships I have made the past year absolutely disastrous. Instead of getting mad, I get nice. I don't push back, I pull in. So you can imagine when I allow people to say and do things to me that I am not comfortable with for so long that I tend to blow up at a randomly. Implode.

It was after the last explosion I had that I realized that something had to change. I have to tell my friends when my feelings are hurt or when I feel like they are being disrespectful towards me. I can't shrug it off and hope they will apologize in the future. I can't expect everyone to be nice to me. I can't even expect everyone to know when they are being unkind.

So as I type right now, I realize that this may be the biggest flaw I have. I'm just too damn nice. Yes, you probably think that I am tooting my own horn, but really take a moment to understand why this can be a bad thing. By not allowing people to see when I am angry, sad, disappointed, or just plain pissed off- I allow them to become comfortable in a pattern of negative behavior towards me. I allow them to think their actions are ok because they have always been ok. I think that's the worse thing you can do to someone, lull them to think that their behavior is permissible only to reject it later in an explosive argument.

My commitment for 2010? To create healthy boundaries in all of my relationships. No more intelligence jokes- they hurt my feelings, I should feel comfortable being who I am with all of my friends and know that they accept me with all of my limitations attached. I may not care to defend my religious beliefs to you b/c frankly I see it as a waste of time and energy. I like to study 10 hours a day, it may seem irrational but it's very soothing to me. I do like to take care of you, 24/7 if I could. I'd pick up the phone at 3AM and listen to you and commiserate with you. There will be nights where I just want to sit at home and pet the dog. Don't hate me for it.

No more Miss "way too" Nice Gal,

P. Manolos