Ten Things

Favorite Ice Cream Flavors

1. Dublin Mudslide by Ben & Jerrys- They no longer sell this in the stores, but I'm addicted to it.
   
2. Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream in Java Chip
   
3. Cookies and Cream
   
4. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
5. Mint chocolate chip
6. Black Raspberry Chip
7.  Strawberry
8. Oatmeal Raisin Cookie by Ben & Jerrys
9.  Rocky Road
10. Peach- UDF makes the best Peach Ice Cream, it's only available late spring/early summer

Had ice cream with the crew today. We had a fabulous time eating lunch near the University and then we went out for gelato afterwards. We plan on going again next week :)

Moment of the Day

Dad stopped by and mowed the lawn :). It felt good to have Dad around.

Daddy's Girl,

P. Manolos

Acceptance

I woke up yesterday intending to go to church in the morning. I did my usual routine, I got up, brewed coffee, picked out my clothes and took a shower. Right before I planned to leave, something stopped me. For some reason, I was supposed to go to church in the evening. Go at 7. 

So, like an obedient Christian, I listened to what the spirit told me and decided to go to church at 7PM. Service started as it always did, with praise and worship. As we finished one song we began to sing another one that shook the core of my being. I don't remember how the song goes. It was about God's love for us and how he sent Jesus Christ to save us when he died on the cross. When I heard this verse, I couldn't keep back my tears:

He [Jesus] Will Never Reject You

It was then that I felt hot tears running down my face. I couldn't contain myself and I frankly didn't give a damn if the whole world saw me. The pain I had felt for the past year seemed to rush out of me last night. For most of my adult life, I have felt rejected some how. Rejection from schools I hoped to attend, from teachers I confided in, and most recently from the men I have fallen in love with. To know that God loves me and all of me no matter what was an absolute relief. Finally a man I could depend on. Someone who wanted to hold me in his arms. He didn't care that I had a habit of self-doubt or that I wasn't very good at the whole law school thing. He loves me for who I am and wants me to rest in his everlasting peace. I have fucked up in so many places of my life but he still continues to call me his beloved. He sees me without the makeup and the jewelry and still calls me beautiful. 

It's almost painful to think of how awesome a love God has for me and how I may never find anything close to that during my years on this earth. There's no guessing games with him,  for I know that he loves me and that he cares for me more than I could ever imagine.  Abba in Hebrew means father. He wants us to cling to him like our earthly father and love him with the passion of our life partners. He yearns to hear me call his name, Abba! Abba, I belong to you. God, I wish nothing but to know your love.

There is still this aching feeling deep in my heart for something my physical hands can touch. I still yearn to hear those words but I know that each day I wake up God whispers them through the wind in my hair and the sun beating down upon my face. 

I may never find that earthly love. I may never again experience the love God created between a man and a woman that gives us just a small glimpse of his passion for us. Love is a small manifestation of what he wants for us when we go to heaven. 

This past year may  have been it for me. God is a jealous God and perhaps he wants me all to himself. I can say with wholehearted sincerity that as long as God loves me then I need no other love. He is the one love that will never reject me. 

Passionately,

P. Manolos

Random Acts of Kindness

It's a beautiful Sunday and I'm in stuck in the house studying for exams. The Spring season is short around here. We tend to stay in Winter for five months and then enjoy three weeks of Spring weather before it turns into Summer. Two weeks ago my car temperature gage didn't move from the lower forties. Now it is 82 degrees outside and unbearably sticky hot. I guess I'm just spoiled from living out on the west coast where the temperature stayed at a comfortable 75 degrees.

I haven't written anything of substance for a while because I'm really focusing on making a strong finish at the end of this semester. Law school is all about sacrifice. Those who sacrifice the most gain the best grades and people who sacrifice the least can at least say they attended law school.

I'm somewhere in between the two factions. Becoming a lawyer is a dream of mine but keeping my life and friendships in tact is also a priority. I realized early on this year that I tend to sacrifice a lot for my friends and family. I love helping my friends and family because I like to know that I made someone else's life better. A false friend once told me I helped people to get things in return. Ha, I guess she was right. I love to help others so that I can get in return the gratification that I made a difference in someone's life. I hate seeing people struggle when I know I could do something to help out. I love doing random acts of love and care for other people because I hope some day I too will experience a random act of kindness. 

If that's wrong, then I never want to be right. I'll never apologize for who  I am. 

A friend of mine had distanced themselves from me lately. At first I chalked it up to school work, but then it dawned on me that there was something more to it. I hadn't heard from them because of a small fight we had about a stupid insignificant incident that had happened in the past. It was so trivial, a good friend of mine told me  it made high school drama seem important. Well, needless to say, my friend came around when s/he needed me. It felt good to enjoy their company again and I felt like maybe we could put that whole silly middle school snippet behind us....

I guess not. I need to talk to them, but after getting their needs met, I find them conspicuously absent from my life. 

I had an epiphany last night. I realized the reason why I felt so connected to Mr. Safety is because he was the only person who made the same sacrifices for me as I do for others. He's always there when I need him and he shares my philosophy of giving for the sake of giving- no strings attached. The only hope we both have is that we can create stronger bonds of friendship with the receiver. I guess I'm afraid that if I lose him, I'll never experience the same random acts of kindness I provide on a daily basis to others. He's the electricity to my gas-electric hybrid Toyota I guess. Without him, I don't know if I will have enough juice to keep being the cheery loving person that I am today. 

I guess I have to find a new source of renewable energy

Out of Gas

P. Manolos

Today's Obsession

I have tulips growing along the sidewalk in front of my doorstep. I haven't had a chance to weed out the garden yet, but I'm looking forward to a day where I can clean up the garden and take pictures of all of the Spring vegetation. Three weeks left of law school and then I can catch up on housework. My birthday is coming up soon, so I have to figure out what I want to do to celebrate. I'm leaning towards a small gathering of my close friends, BBQ, and cake. I don't want to put up a big fuss and I only have a couple of people I want to invite. No gifts please. P. Manolos prefers to buy her own swag. Well.. unless it is pink, then I will make an exception :-). 

Everything is coming up Tulips

P. Manolos

Zen

If you had met me a year ago, you wouldn't have recognized me. I was about 20lbs heavier, curly brown hair, and exhausted from working 40hrs a week, not to mention commuting back and forth from work.  Despite all of the economic adversity, I was the calmest person you could meet. I had an unshakeable sense of who I am and what life is all about. 

This school year was tumultuous. I spent half of it falling in love and the other half falling apart. There were times where I felt I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. There were days where frankly I didn't get out of bed in the morning. I got  so frustrated fighting life and the feelings I had that I worked myself into a state of constant uncertainty. It was only when I stopped fighting what I was feeling that I began to find the girl  I left behind in CA. 

Zen

I spend a lot of time on me these days. I'm getting back into running and lifting weights. I spend time with my real friends and have let go some of the shaky ones. I guess I'm living the phrase "time heals all".

Ohm

P. Manolos

Picture of the Day

Butterfly sits among the Chihuluy glass exhibit. I love butterflies. They spend part of their lives in a cocoon, transforming themselves from a small, wormlike insect into one of the most beautiful creatures on Earth. I identify with the butterfly because I too, feel as if I am transforming from one existence to another.