No big deal right? Well, the only thing is a little under one year ago, I had a crush on this guy. I thought I had correctly read all of the signs he gave me and put myself out there asking him if he liked me too. He said I was attractive, but no, he wasn't interested in a relationship and definitely not one in the circle we ran in.
So I was a bit crushed at first. I avoided contact with him only to find myself seeing Mr. Passion. After Mr. Passion crushed ever fiber of my being Casper came back to support me as I mended a broken heart. It was only this summer when he announced to me his strong feelings for a girl that he had only known for a couple of weeks and how he would do whatever it takes to get into a relationship with her. I didn't believe him, after all he was known for his status as a huge player and for a fear of commitment. He slept with a different woman each week and didn't find anything wrong with his adversity towards love and commitment. You can imagine my jaw drop when I saw that his status had changed. I didn't know what was worse, the fact that someone who didn't really want a relationship had fallen into one so easily or the fact that I wasn't a compelling enough to be the one who changed his mind.
One caveat- I don't have any feelings for Casper at all anymore. I'm very happy with our friendship. I am, however, confused and left in a daze. So many failed relationships in the past year. My five year relationship with Mr. Safety, my few month relationship with Mr. Passion (who btw is still with his girlfriend of a couple of months) , my short stint with Mr. Bland ( a guy so blah he can't even decide if he wants to be with me or not) and let's not forget Mr. Impossible who after a few dates has left the scene of the crime altogether.
A pattern is a reliable sample of traits, acts, tendencies, or other observable characteristics of a person, group, or institution ( courtesy of Webster's Dictionary). As children we learned in math class how to discern numeric patterns and categorize them by their similarities. If you say 2, 4, 6, 8 and were asked what should come next, you should respond "10" because the pattern consists of even numbers or an increase by two.
Had my dating life become a pattern of unsuccessful relationships? Each one relates to the other by failure, and the lack of something that a man needs in order to commit. I find myself at a loss for words when I realize that so many women find themselves effortlessly in fulfilling relationships while I hope that he will at least be kind enough to call me at the end of the day. All of the negative feed back and leaves me to conclude that there is a thing that I lack that most women are born with.
The "Thing"
That thing that makes something click in a guys head and makes him want to be with her. That thing that makes him think about her every second of the day and gives him the sinking feeling when she doesn't respond to his phone calls or his emails. That yearning and desire they have to nest near them and be a part of their lives- to support them in bad times and celebrate the good.
If we are all made in God's image, then did he forget to install something before I came out of the womb? What is it about me that insures an endless pattern of unfulfilling relationships, heart break, and mind numbing lonliness? Am I broken or did I not enter this world without the thing in the first place?
Well, I'm off to the movies. My sweet puppy, Zimba, is passed out next to me. I hate to wake him up to go for a walk but I want to make sure he has all his needs met before I leave for the evening. God knows I wish I had someone to do the same for me.
SomeTHING is missing,
P. Manolos
0 comments:
Leave a Comment