"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."
E.E. Cummings
I learned at a young age that there are some battles you just can't win. I never took my mother head on when we were fighting because I knew she would crush me. Just the other day, I caught myself in a tussle with a pair of leopard print tights only to find myself resigned to the fact that there's probably no way in hell I'll pull them off. Let's not even talk about the corset jeans I bought the other day............
Some things are just not worth fighting for.
On one of my favorite blogs, an anonymous message popped up , reciting my own history and the many 'flaws' that I had. Needless to say I was hurt, I considered this person one of my close confidants and a sage advisor. I had bared my soul to her only to find it used against me in an online anonymous knife fight. Well, just like a pair of cheap dark wash low-cut jeans from Wal-Mart, her true colors came out when agitated by friction and the frailties of human life.
It was then that it dawned on me that the reason why she had posted an anonymous article is because she has no idea how to fight. Can't. Land. A. PUNCH! She can't fight fair and when she doesn't win the fight, she takes a knife to the back of her competitor and twists it as they turn around to give them a handshake. A wise man once said that insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting the same result. So many failed relationships should have indicated that she needed to change her fighting technique. They also should have told her that winning isn't everything and sometimes being 'right' just isn't that important in life. At this very moment, I can't help but to envision her as the historic Captain Ahab riding upon their ship of false Christianity in hopes to capture the great White Whale of vindication. Sometimes, when you take a stand on your insecurities, trust issues, and general immaturity about the complexities of human relationships, you end up alone on shaky ground. Without the damn whale to boot...
Christ tells us in the Bible to forgive others and to love thy neighbor as thyself. He not only wants us to love our neighbors, he also wants us love our enemies. Judge and be judged. A true friend doesn't practice shameless acts of character assassination. You do not care for someone when you use their pain against them. You do not love someone when you label them with hurtful character judgments such as "drama", "negative" or a "user". Many relationship experts have stated that the beginning of the end of a relationship starts when instead of attacking the problem, people begin to attack the very core of the other person's being. Attacking the core of a man leaves a trail of poison and indifference that cannot be cured with apologizes and entreaties for forgiveness.
Friendship is like finding a safe haven in the middle of a war zone. I have fought many a battle and there were times where I have flown the white flag of surrender. But there are times in your life where you find someone who you feel is your friend and you let your guard down. You put down your sword, throw the shield to the side, and divest yourself of all armor to reveal the person hiding beneath the battle gear. You reveal all of your inner thoughts, secret pains, and feelings of inadequacy to this person because you feel like you are safe. Far away from the noises of battle, you begin to relax and drift into a quiet serenity in a fortress of friendship. The "drama" that happens in your life can be revealed because in the deepest recesses of your heart you know that your friendly counterpart will keep all of your feelings safely locked behind metal doors. You know that no matter how ugly things get on the outside, you have someone who sees the good inside of you.
It is only when you feel a sharp pain in your back do you realize that you had just been hoodwinked by the enemy. It is a difficult wound to heal when you are hurt by a friend. The wound I speak of is not the imaginary "backstabbing" you conjure up to justify your own craving for the admiration of strangers. That is is only a superficial scratch. No, the wound I speak of is much deeper than the morally troubling need for social acceptance. This wound just won't heal on its own. It won't scab over because its inflictor is a nefarious character who uses 'trust issues' as cheap Covergirl coverup for their own lack of emotional intelligence. This wound festers, stinks, and covers with gangrene if the source of contamination is not sterilized. When the bleeding stops and the shock subsides, you pick up you must pick up your discarded armor and retreat into a state of personal reflection. Run! Retreat! What is worse than a real enemy is a false friend. You run because you must reflect on how the enemy intruded and how to prevent another one from getting too close to your inner sanctuary. You must reflect on whether this friendship, this person who has wounded you in a spiritual sense of mortality, is truly worth fighting for.
No. You are not worth fighting for.
I fought for many causes in my life. I spent evenings on the Rape Crisis line with clients who had real problems. They ranged from sexual assault to ritual rape and the urge to commit suicide. I have had clients on the phone with a knife to their wrists begging me to fight the battle they can't seem to win. I rose to the challenge because they are worth it and the skirmishes they face on a daily basis are real. I've been physically and verbally abused as a child by my classmates. I have been kicked, spit upon, pushed down, and tripped many a time. I fought speech therapy when I was told I could not speak and I fought financial disparity when I was told I could not work. Each time I found myself down, I got back up. I rose from battle stronger and a bit wiser about how to ward off the enemy. I still keep prizes from each conflict to remind myself of what I have overcome and what I still have yet to achieve in life.
Those were battles that were worth fighting for. And I thank God for them, because I would never have become the woman that writes before you today.
P. Manolos
BTW- I'm still fighting the good fight with the leopard print tights.. I will report back as soon as I can declare victory!
