I watched the Bachelor last night. I can't help it, I know that the show won't end in a lasting relationship, I mean how the hell are you supposed to pick our a husband/wife by having tryouts. Not to mention you're being tapped on camera every single day.
Well, one of the contestants said the most beautiful thing, she said she "hoped to be someone's someone someday." I have no doubt she will find that someone, but at the same time did she really think her odds were that good?
Anyone who goes on the Bachelor probably has a gambling problem. Rolling the dice and hoping that out of all the women on the show, they will fall in love with the wonderful prince. No one has the heart to shake these women and say, hey didn't you know, "The house always wins baby."
Sick Puppy! Zimba has a hot spot on his tail. Poor thing has to wear an E-Collar until his tail is back to normal. I'm trying to stay home as much as possible to take care of him and give him plenty of head rubs. As if I need any more expenses, we've gone to the doctor three times in the past two months! We're going to the vet Monday to see if his tail is healing properly and if he needs any more/less medication. Keep Zimba in your prayers!
It's Sunday morning. I woke up early with the intentions of going to morning service and found myself sitting on a couch with a bowl of Captain Crunch (Peanut butter of course) watching Sixteen Candles ( a legit 80s movie BTW.)
My life has taken a lot of turns lately. I'm finishing my third year of law school and I am in dire need of employment after graduation. The market isn't what it used to be, so many of my classmates who would seem like perfect catches don't even have a job yet. I'm in good company.
Well, let me get to the bottom of this ditty I've aptly entitled as an expose on the ever-so elusive "ceremonial clique." The past few months have been a flurry of activity on the relationship front for many of my peers. Lots of diamonds rings have been passed out in a last ditch effort for everyone to get their happily ever after while they still can. Jealous, you say? Me? No, not really. Trust me, there was a time where I would have probably cried in my Coco Puffs over the past few months. Ironic enough, someone told me the reason why so many girls in the school have lost weight is because they are "looking for a man." I didn't have the heart to tell them that most girls start to exercise and lose weight so they can wear a lower jean size- attracting men is just a side effect.
A girlfriend of mine told me a few weeks ago that she craved babies. No, silly, not ingesting human embryos. She desired to have a child and found herself becoming absolutely absorbed in this desire. I told her I haven't felt that way at all, she replied that I was in a committed relationship-thus I have a 'realistic chance of having kids' which added up to a lack of desire. Erroneous of course. As an outsider looking in, I have come to the conclusion that the desire to have a child at a critical point in your life when all other options become difficult is because child birth is an accomplishment in itself. If all else fails, having a child is a chance to achieve something. I'm not knocking marriage or child birth. I'm knocking the fact that society has gotten women so cracked out on the two that we fail to recognize the shades of life that lie between marriage and family.
What has changed in my life that has brought me to revel in checking off the 'single, no kids' box on every marketing survey in existence? Well, for one, I realize that I love being on my own. I love the freedom of waking up and answering to no one. I can do single girl things like paint my nails on the sofa and watch the Food Network until my eyes bleed. Z and I go for long jogs outside and puppy fight indoors when it's raining. I talk to my mom practically every other day and my dad comes over to fix things when I break them.
It's not that I disdain the deed- I think that it is a beautiful symbolic act two people who love each other very much decide to do. I'm in no rush, things in life happen exactly when they are supposed to happen. I just want to point out how absolutely divine it is to just fly solo right now (well I am in a committed relationship, but that's not nearly the same as matrimony). I still have my place, he has his own, and we both meet each other in the middle for date night.
This isn't stuff I can do forever- and I see some value in the fact that I will have the rest of my life to join the clique. Right now, I'd rather go see a movie in the middle of the week and get a facial. No judgment here.
The love of my life, Zimba. He's been quite the bad little dog lately but that hasn't stopped me from loving him. Now I know why my parents love me so much despite all of the screwing up I do on a daily basis.
"You're too nice"- A friend who will remain anonymous.
Maybe he or she is right. I can't help it, I have so much love to give that I tend to gush over people. I just don't really have anyone to give it to right now besides my four legged pup, Zimba. I thought he would ebb some of the love I have, but I think he's made me love everyone around me even more because he's such a great companion. He makes me laugh, kisses my tears away, and is always in the mood to cuddle. Who could ask for a better life companion?
My baby, Zimba. I can't wait to get home and take a run with him! He can get on my nerves at times (He is always within a foot of my body, whether biting my ankles or sitting on my lap), but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. Even my parents love to hear about his crazy antics. This morning I couldn't sleep, so I woke Zimba up to go outside for a bathroom break. He thought I was going to let him sleep with me on the bed. I told him no and he gave me a dirty look before he crawled back into his crate like a sullen teenager. Dogs have such great personalities!
I posted this song over a year ago. Unfortunately, the lyrics still speak to me today. I have found that life is the harshest teacher. She doesn't give extra credit and there are no do-overs. The lessons you learn are permanent and you can harbor as many regrets as you like, but none of them will get you anywhere but sorrow.
Lesson Learned by Alicia Keys
(feat. John Mayer)
He broke my heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down
It's alright (x3)
(Chorus)
Yes, I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I called it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned
Sometimes
Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the times before
But he already knows you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't Take it Anymore
Chorus
Life ain't perfect if you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down unless you cry when you hit the floor
I don't care enough about you to kill you. - Mike Delfino
I love prime time television. Among one of the many shows I love is "Desperate Housewives." Thanks to DVR I can watch it whenever I want. This week's (or last week I can't recall, I didn't watch the show when it aired) was the huge finale before the next half of the season starts in January. Mark Cherry told us we would get a plane crash on Wisteria Lane, but who knew the more interesting story would be a middle aged woman stabbing herself?
That story was Katherine Mayfair. Katherine was going insane this whole season after she broke up with Mike when he (surprise surprise) remarried his ex-wife Susan. At first it seemed comical, every Sunday night she hatched a different plot to get him back. She even made a fake plumbing call just so she could get him to come over her house in the middle of the night. Stalking, lying, gossip, whatever she could find she tried to use to get "her" man back.
It all seemed so comical and desperate until last week she attempted to get Mike's kid to believe his own mother stole Mike away from her. Mike was Mr. Nice Guy until that very moment. He hadn't confronted her this whole season, he was the quiet reclusive husband who felt sorry for his jilted-middle aged fling. He finally snapped when he realized the only person that could end her fantasy of getting him back was him.
Well, bravo for him, but never tell a woman it's over when she has a chef's knife in her hand. (It is a large knife and I'm using the correct term- a butcher's knife is wider and more of a square- sorry former knives saleswoman here...) We find out next week that Katherine stabs herself and ends up in the hospital, blaming Mike for wounding her-when the wounds were actually self-inflicted.
Things begin to unravel and Katherine lies in a hospital bed only to find her world beginning to crash around her. Her daughter finds out that her mother lied to her- Katherine was never married to Mike, they weren't living happy together and Susan never tried to stab her. It's in that moment that I realize I don't find this situation very funny after all- it's too close to home to make me laugh.
Why, you say? Because I see so much of the same pain I experienced last year in Katherine and I can understand why she did it. Now before you 51/50 me, let me explain.
A year ago, I too felt a stabbing pain. I felt my whole world crash around me as Mr. Passion left. I too had the future planned out- the holidays we would spend together, birthday cakes I would make and the weekends we would spend holding each other. He moved on and I was still in this place where I felt like we had something special. Even when I knew he was with someone else I just thought maybe things could change. It was like I was my own worst enemy, hoping that I hadn't lost something so precious to such a dirty, callous, horrible son of a.... well, you know.
It was only through time, support, and good friends that I was able to pull the plug and give myself a reality check. I gave myself time to grieve and separate reality from the 'dream'. Each time nostalgia would try to seep in I gave myself a push towards indifference. He is gone and frankly he wasn't that much to be excited about when he was here.
I think that was the only difference between Katherine and I. She didn't have the support of others and enough distance to know when to nail the coffin on her relationship with Mike. If her friends had only reached out to her sooner she wouldn't have needed her daughter to place her in a psych ward. If someone would have stopped to realize her 'connection' with Mike hadn't ended, she would have ended up in a much happier place. Instead her dreams and pain swallowed up the reality that sat before her eyes- he had moved on and married the woman he truly loved as she put her life on hold in hopes that if she waited long enough, her dreams could come back into play.
I turned in my Civil Procedure exam on Friday. I ran up and threw my exam in the box and went back to my chair only to realize I was within five inches of Mr. Passion as he turned in his. And you know what? I could care less. Of course I still dislike him, he was a bad human being for what he did and if karma is a bitch he'll get his in the end. What really amazed me was all I could think about was how Brown Eyes drove to my house and back to get my book, which I had forgotten on the kitchen counter literally 40 mins before my test. My dream come true was a 6 foot 1 catholic boy who would do anything he can to help me.
Moments like that, when I realize how lucky I am to have such a great man by my side make me realize how close I was to losing it all for a sniveling, angry, bitter boy who didn't have the courage to end things like a man.
Have you ever heard that saying from your parents? "Life isn't fair." They usually give this response when we do all the right things, but come up with an unfair result. Like when we practice really hard for a sport but still end up losing the game or studying for a test and still ending up on the lower end of the grading scale.
Well, that's because "Life Isn't Fair."
Last weekend marked one year since my run in with Mr. Passion. All of the good times, bad times, and my eventual breakdown happened around this time last year. The family drama, the broken friendships, and my broken heart all seemed to center around the holiday season. It was around this time last year I had to grapple with my own feelings of how life truly wasn't fair. I had done everything I could to make my relationship work with Mr. Passion, my family, and my friends only to find them shattered into a million pieces. In February, the unfairness factor seemed to rise as I saw Mr. Passion move on into a new relationship with someone else. I can't be angry at her, she had no part in what happened between the two of us. I have times where I wonder why the hell things are working so well for them and our relationship was a total failure. I can never let the feelings of resentment and bitterness overwhelm my inner knowledge of what is right and just.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that life isn't fair.
Things don't always work out in life- friends, boyfriends, classes and even our ongoing relationship with our parents. It's not that we didn't try hard or something is wrong with ourselves per se- it's just how life tends to unravel itself. Bad things happen to good people and bad people can enjoy the goodness we seem to lack in our lives. It is when we start to internalize feelings of inadequacy from our life experiences that the unfairness becomes a roadblock instead of a roadside attraction.
A year later, after all of the tears, life threatening thoughts, and resentment towards third party bystanders, I have found myself in a place where life is a bit fairer. I have a boyfriend who loves me very much and is everything a girl could ask for. He is intelligent, kind, funny, and an absolute sweetheart. I would have never found him if I had kept all of anger I felt towards Mr. Passion and his new life inside of me. I don't think I would have been open for new opportunities had I not let go of the feelings I had towards him.
I have to let go, but I will never forget. We should never forget the pain we experience in life. We should be able to understand it, embrace it, and express it when the time is appropriate. I do have some anger towards him and the gift I lost during our relationship. Rightfully so, any woman in my position would feel the same. I do however, feel sorry for him in the fact that he has no true understanding of the reckless, cold hearted, and borderline evil actions he took last year.
Each day is a new day, and with it I let go a piece of the past to grab a hold of what is thus far a very bright, and fulfilling future. Good things happen to bad people, but bad people have one thing that they will discover in the end. Life isn't fair after all...
Not going to crop of Z's ears. It seems cruel and unnecessary. Zimba isn't a show dog and even if he was, why the hell do they think it's ok to mutilate a dog for the sake of fashion?
It's a beautiful day outside. Very rare for late October in Ohio. I'm going to take the pooch out for a walk. He and I both need the exercise. I've got everything I could possibly want. A great boyfriend, beautiful home, sweet (but evil at times) dog, and I'm on my way to doing well in all my classes this semester. All the tears that I shed for the past year have finally paid off.
She looked fabulous, no? Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are reunited again to play the role of two enemies who eventually share a wedding bed. They have to overcome Julia's inability to commit in order to find happiness..
I only mention this movie because I can't help but wish I had a pair of running shoes on right now. I get spooked easily by relationships and the thought of getting hurt again makes me want to fly with deliberate speed. Brown Eyes is great, everything a girl could wish for. But I can't help but worry maybe my cold feet will take flight....
Brown Eyes has decided that today will be the day we consider to be our 1 month anniversary. We have no real idea when we officially became a couple so we figured let's pick a date randomly and stick with it. Things are going really well. He's smart, sweet, and makes me laugh so hard I almost pee on myself. I had no idea I would feel this way again.
Glass houses and stones, could be sheik,
P. Manolos
BTW- You can tell I care about him, I spent all my savings for a pair of Louboutins on tickets to the Cavs/Celtics game in two weeks. I'm actually looking forward to it!
A friend sent this to me. I don't think I will get married, so imagine my surprise when I teared up a bit reading this. I think God has chosen a different path for me in my life. A solitary one.
A Prayer for my Future Husband
Lord God, your Word declares that if I delight myself in you—if I enjoy and seek your pleasure above mine—you'll give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). Desiring a husband is neither evil nor selfish because marriage is honorable (Hebrews 13:4). At the beginning of creation, you proclaimed, "It is not good that man should be alone" and then you created Eve to be a suitable partner for Adam (Genesis 2:18). In the name of Jesus, I ask that you would protect the husband—a suitable partner—you have chosen for me. Because the covenant of marriage is sacred (Mark 10:9), I ask for a man of God. Please give me a husband whose love for me is only outmatched by his love for you; a man who will cherish me and build me up (Proverbs 31:28); a man who will honor me (I Peter 3:7) and our marriage vows; a man who will be a good father and provider; a man whom I will be attracted to physically, emotionally, and spiritually; a man who will love me as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Keep me from attaching myself to another man out of desperation. I will not settle for a relationship that's second best, convenient, or one that feeds my insecurities. Guard my purity and give me the patience to wait. And when I meet him, confirm to me that he is the one. Release from me the baggage of past relationships, and prepare m e for the man You have chosen to be my husband. Free me from any hindrances to a healthy and godly marriage: insecurities, habitual sins, selfishness, and emotional hurts. Dispel my unrealistic expectations that set me up for disappointment. I place my trust in you rather than my partner. In this period of waiting, I will look to you alone to be my companion and best friend. You are the one who redeems my life from the pit, who crowns me with love and compassion, who satisfies my desires with good things (Psalm 103:4-5). I will not be anxious, but as I present my requests to you, flood me with the peace that surpasses all understanding so my heart and my mind are guarded in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6,7). In this request, I commit myself to trust you and do good, to dwell in the land and feed on your faithfulness. I commit my way to you and trust that you will bring it to pass (Psalm 37:35). Amen (author unknown)
My little man, Zimba. He's really grown since I first got him three and a half weeks ago. (he went from 3 to 4.7 lbs) Nowadays, he's scratching at the door to let me know he has to go outside. I never thought I would feel proud of a puppy taking a dump on my backyard lawn. I also didn't think I would fall so in love with my tiny little pup. I often laugh at people who think he's super small because I never noticed, he seems larger than life to me. He's got a great personality and he's full of energy.
I got a bit of a shocker last night. I was trolling on facebook as I usually do when one of my friends left a comment on my page about my competition preparation. I clicked on his page to return the comment when to my utter disbelief I saw that his status had changed from absolutely nothing to "In a Relationship with XYZ".
No big deal right? Well, the only thing is a little under one year ago, I had a crush on this guy. I thought I had correctly read all of the signs he gave me and put myself out there asking him if he liked me too. He said I was attractive, but no, he wasn't interested in a relationship and definitely not one in the circle we ran in.
So I was a bit crushed at first. I avoided contact with him only to find myself seeing Mr. Passion. After Mr. Passion crushed ever fiber of my being Casper came back to support me as I mended a broken heart. It was only this summer when he announced to me his strong feelings for a girl that he had only known for a couple of weeks and how he would do whatever it takes to get into a relationship with her. I didn't believe him, after all he was known for his status as a huge player and for a fear of commitment. He slept with a different woman each week and didn't find anything wrong with his adversity towards love and commitment. You can imagine my jaw drop when I saw that his status had changed. I didn't know what was worse, the fact that someone who didn't really want a relationship had fallen into one so easily or the fact that I wasn't a compelling enough to be the one who changed his mind.
One caveat- I don't have any feelings for Casper at all anymore. I'm very happy with our friendship. I am, however, confused and left in a daze. So many failed relationships in the past year. My five year relationship with Mr. Safety, my few month relationship with Mr. Passion (who btw is still with his girlfriend of a couple of months) , my short stint with Mr. Bland ( a guy so blah he can't even decide if he wants to be with me or not) and let's not forget Mr. Impossible who after a few dates has left the scene of the crime altogether.
A pattern is a reliable sample of traits, acts, tendencies, or other observable characteristics of a person, group, or institution ( courtesy of Webster's Dictionary). As children we learned in math class how to discern numeric patterns and categorize them by their similarities. If you say 2, 4, 6, 8 and were asked what should come next, you should respond "10" because the pattern consists of even numbers or an increase by two.
Had my dating life become a pattern of unsuccessful relationships? Each one relates to the other by failure, and the lack of something that a man needs in order to commit. I find myself at a loss for words when I realize that so many women find themselves effortlessly in fulfilling relationships while I hope that he will at least be kind enough to call me at the end of the day. All of the negative feed back and leaves me to conclude that there is a thing that I lack that most women are born with.
The "Thing"
That thing that makes something click in a guys head and makes him want to be with her. That thing that makes him think about her every second of the day and gives him the sinking feeling when she doesn't respond to his phone calls or his emails. That yearning and desire they have to nest near them and be a part of their lives- to support them in bad times and celebrate the good.
If we are all made in God's image, then did he forget to install something before I came out of the womb? What is it about me that insures an endless pattern of unfulfilling relationships, heart break, and mind numbing lonliness? Am I broken or did I not enter this world without the thing in the first place?
Well, I'm off to the movies. My sweet puppy, Zimba, is passed out next to me. I hate to wake him up to go for a walk but I want to make sure he has all his needs met before I leave for the evening. God knows I wish I had someone to do the same for me.
This little guy has dropped more bombs than Osama himself. He's my new puppy and his name is Zimba. If you want a dog, I suggest getting an older guy who's already been housebroken. Housebreaking a puppy is beginning to housebreak me..
