Say A Little Prayer for You

A friend sent this to me. I don't think I will get married, so imagine my surprise when I teared up a bit reading this. I think God has chosen a different path for me in my life. A solitary one.

A Prayer for my Future Husband

Lord God, your Word declares that if I delight myself in you—if I
enjoy and seek your pleasure above mine—you'll give me the desires of
my heart (Psalm 37:4). Desiring a husband is neither evil nor selfish
because marriage is honorable (Hebrews 13:4). At the beginning of
creation, you proclaimed, "It is not good that man should be alone"
and then you created Eve to be a suitable partner for Adam (Genesis
2:18). In the name of Jesus, I ask that you would protect the
husband—a suitable partner—you have chosen for me. Because the
covenant of marriage is sacred (Mark 10:9), I ask for a man of God.
Please give me a husband whose love for me is only outmatched by his
love for you; a man who will cherish me and build me up (Proverbs
31:28); a man who will honor me (I Peter 3:7) and our marriage vows; a
man who will be a good father and provider; a man whom I will be
attracted to physically, emotionally, and spiritually; a man who will
love me as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Keep me from
attaching myself to another man out of desperation. I will not settle
for a relationship that's second best, convenient, or one that feeds
my insecurities. Guard my purity and give me the patience to wait. And
when I meet him, confirm to me that he is the one. Release from me the
baggage of past relationships, and prepare m e for the man You have
chosen to be my husband. Free me from any hindrances to a healthy and
godly marriage: insecurities, habitual sins, selfishness, and
emotional hurts. Dispel my unrealistic expectations that set me up for
disappointment. I place my trust in you rather than my partner. In
this period of waiting, I will look to you alone to be my companion
and best friend. You are the one who redeems my life from the pit, who
crowns me with love and compassion, who satisfies my desires with good
things (Psalm 103:4-5). I will not be anxious, but as I present my
requests to you, flood me with the peace that surpasses all
understanding so my heart and my mind are guarded in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:6,7). In this request, I commit myself to trust you and
do good, to dwell in the land and feed on your faithfulness. I commit
my way to you and trust that you will bring it to pass (Psalm 37:35).
Amen
(author unknown)

I Wonder

I wonder

I wonder what life will be like someday

When all of the shades of black have turned gray

And the pain I felt for so long in my life

Drifts away like unsung dreams in the night.

I wonder what life will be like someday

When my heart broken asunder goes astray

And turns into the thing I fear the most

A captured prisoner for an unwelcome host.

I wonder what life will be like someday

When sleep turns into silence in the middle of the day

And I like the dreams I so lovingly sent

Have lived, existed, and found empty and spent.

It's a beautiful day today. I'm off to workout at the gym and then to my favorite Starbucks to get some studying done for finals. Life is getting better day by day, the pain I have felt is beginning to diminish and I find myself feeling stronger and stronger. I still miss Mr. Passion, but the feeling ebbs and flows like the rest of my moods. I am in a good place now. I love him with all of my heart, but I understand that the key to truly loving someone is to allow them to leave and be happy. Even now I feel a bit bitter saying those words, but I realize I have only two choices: continue being bitter about something I have nothing to do with or fill my heart with good things and give the love that I have to others. I've chosen to do the latter and unfortunately, I find it to be the hardest road to take. 

Days like these make me wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people and nothing but good to happen to the bad. I get a bit miffed at the thought that people who do not believe in his existence let alone acknowledge the possibility can live their lives covered with blessings and happiness. It is even more mystifying to me to see people of faith struggle and feel so much pain throughout their lives. Each night before I sleep I pray and read my Bible. Each day I wake up I dedicate time to turn my thoughts to him. How can the faithful be so frightful?

After I've thrown the last batch of confetti at my little pity party, I reassess the situation to come to this conclusion. -------->

My treasures lie in heaven

Worldly people can experience worldly success. They may break a person's heart with malicious abandon, turn around and fall in love with another person. Yes, they may feel happiness for a couple of weeks, or even a long stretch of time. It is in the end that their superficial existence will fall apart. They are insatiable. Nothing can satisfy them and everything must do so in order to receive their full allegiance. Only the people of God truly understand how fleeting life is. People of faith understand how to be faithful because God commands us to do so. Children of God know how to love because it is his desire for us to love each other as well as the Lord himself. 

It is with all of this in mind that I understand my treasure is in heaven. Job was faced with the same feeling when his whole world shook apart upon God's command to the devil. He lost his children, his wealth, the love of his wife, and the respect of his friends. Everywhere he turned nothing but bad things were happening to him. The only relief Job found from his own physical aliments was to scrap the boils off his skin with broken pottery and to roll around in hot ashes from the fire place. Faced with all of the adversity of the world falling upon him, Job stood up to his friends and his wife and proudly proclaimed:

I know my Redeemer lives!

I only hope for a small mustard seed of Job's relentless faith.  Despite all of the pain and adversity he faced, Job was eager to be God's faithful servant. I know I too may endure for a night, or maybe a couple of nights, but every time I wake up I find joy in the early morning. Joy is found in the morning because it reminds me that I've made it through another night. I've made it through another night to move closer to the rich treasures God has in store for me.

Golden,

P. Manolos

Acceptance

I woke up yesterday intending to go to church in the morning. I did my usual routine, I got up, brewed coffee, picked out my clothes and took a shower. Right before I planned to leave, something stopped me. For some reason, I was supposed to go to church in the evening. Go at 7. 

So, like an obedient Christian, I listened to what the spirit told me and decided to go to church at 7PM. Service started as it always did, with praise and worship. As we finished one song we began to sing another one that shook the core of my being. I don't remember how the song goes. It was about God's love for us and how he sent Jesus Christ to save us when he died on the cross. When I heard this verse, I couldn't keep back my tears:

He [Jesus] Will Never Reject You

It was then that I felt hot tears running down my face. I couldn't contain myself and I frankly didn't give a damn if the whole world saw me. The pain I had felt for the past year seemed to rush out of me last night. For most of my adult life, I have felt rejected some how. Rejection from schools I hoped to attend, from teachers I confided in, and most recently from the men I have fallen in love with. To know that God loves me and all of me no matter what was an absolute relief. Finally a man I could depend on. Someone who wanted to hold me in his arms. He didn't care that I had a habit of self-doubt or that I wasn't very good at the whole law school thing. He loves me for who I am and wants me to rest in his everlasting peace. I have fucked up in so many places of my life but he still continues to call me his beloved. He sees me without the makeup and the jewelry and still calls me beautiful. 

It's almost painful to think of how awesome a love God has for me and how I may never find anything close to that during my years on this earth. There's no guessing games with him,  for I know that he loves me and that he cares for me more than I could ever imagine.  Abba in Hebrew means father. He wants us to cling to him like our earthly father and love him with the passion of our life partners. He yearns to hear me call his name, Abba! Abba, I belong to you. God, I wish nothing but to know your love.

There is still this aching feeling deep in my heart for something my physical hands can touch. I still yearn to hear those words but I know that each day I wake up God whispers them through the wind in my hair and the sun beating down upon my face. 

I may never find that earthly love. I may never again experience the love God created between a man and a woman that gives us just a small glimpse of his passion for us. Love is a small manifestation of what he wants for us when we go to heaven. 

This past year may  have been it for me. God is a jealous God and perhaps he wants me all to himself. I can say with wholehearted sincerity that as long as God loves me then I need no other love. He is the one love that will never reject me. 

Passionately,

P. Manolos

Quote of the Day

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."

Douglas Adams 

Life has its twists and turns. I can remember six years ago when all of my high school friends had received cars for graduation and my parents didn't have the money to buy one for me. I felt upset and a bit envious that despite all of my hard work, I still didn't have all of the bells and whistles in life. As I look back on the things I wanted and lost when I was younger, I realize how foolish I had been. I think I wanted these things merely because I could not have them, not because they had any real value. 

I also realize that God has a plan for each of us. The only problem with that is his plan is often in conflict with our own. He knows exactly what is good for us and knows each of our hearts. I am so glad he didn't give me a car when I wanted it because I would have never appreciated the one I have now. I'm glad I had to work two jobs to get through college because I appreciated every penny that I earned. 

It's easy to look back and realize that when we were younger, we made so many mistakes and had so many misplaced priorities. The problem I face now is that I see many obstacles in my life and I have yet to see them as just plans God doesn't have for me. He doesn't plan for me to spend Valentine's Day with someone I love, he doesn't plan for me to be the best of the best and he doesn't plan for me to achieve many of the goals on my 'do or die' list.

How do I get to the point of acceptance? When will I have the strength to reach down inside of my heart and let something go? Acceptance takes time and patience. If you try to force yourself into acceptance, you will end up on the losing end of the bargain. With all lost dreams we have in life, we must mourn them and spend time grieving the loss. It's only when we can grieve and understand why we feel the way we do can we move on to bigger dreams. Moving on to bigger dreams requires the faith to know that all things come together in the end and strengthening our faith is the only plan that will bring results. 

I'm strengthening my faith right now by loving the friends that I have and grieving for the love that I have lost. Losing love, missed opportunities, and unfulfilled dreams were things that I never intended to encounter.  Sometimes in life, when we do not arrive where we intended to go, we are finally standing where God has intended us to be.